1) You've decided its about time you learnt something about Spanish's complex and persistent history (and how the Spanish Civil War still impacts present day politics).
2) You think that buying a big beer and getting free food with it is just about as good as life gets (thank you El Tigre! Best free tapas ever)
3) The rest of the time, you acknowledge that the little token piece of bread you get with your pint is built into the price (hence the price!) except here, where €3 pints of Cruzcampo are delicious and you get to watch the Europa League (and Westerns!) on the tv in the corner. You also get to chat with the locals, who rattle away at you without in any way acknowledging that, just cause you can speak a few sentences in their native tongue, you cannot necessarily understand the goobledygook they are spouting!
4) You think "I wish Paris was a little more like London. But not too much."
5) You'd like a Louvre that was just a bit more Spanish. (Bazinga! The Prado!)
6) You wish London was a wee bit more like Paris. But not too much.
7) You want some of that Spanish insanity, for example, a jungle inside the train station. And a hundred turtles.
8) Whilst in the train station, you'd like to punch a shark.
9) Nothing makes you more upset than Irish pubs when abroad. Nothing makes you happier than Irish pubs abroad that are closed.
10) The magic of art being inescapable. Good art.
11) Sometimes the restaurant looks as good as the food.
12) Museo De Jamon. A HAM MUSEUM. Except its a shop. And its got €88/kilo Iberico Ham. Still, if you can find something wrong with that, you're a fool.
13) Soooooo.... cakes anyway? Un Cafe Solo? If only to bring your sugars back down to, say, far too high.
14) This isn't even the grandest building on this street. But it does have chariots on it's roof, so it wins.
15) The Puerta de Alcala, the Parque de Retiro behind it, and all the pleasant bourgeois types milling around and spending vast sums of money on anything that sits still long enough (not including plastic roses from the gippos at the gate to the park).
16) You will never get around all the churches in Madrid. Really. And they're all incredible.
MADRID. You don't have enough days in the rest of your life for Madrid. It's enormous, its beautful, its sophisticated but not pretentious, it seems to only consist of austere elderly ladies going for tiny coffees and slices of chocolate cake, only for you to walk round a corner as a billion schoolchildren lay flowers at the feet of Santa Maria, patron saint of Madrid. You trip over statues of the greatest writers, immortalised painters, powerful kings and queens, every building is historically significant, every street leads to the finest tapas in the town, you walk and walk and every step unveils more eye-popping sights until you finally step inside an enormous museum, just to take a break from the finery of the outside world. How do Madrilenos ever normalise to this? Are they all simply accepting of their divine right to the best?
Madrid is flooded with tourists, and few speak English. Its hard to fathom why so few from the British Isles go there. It's certainly as friendly as Paris or Berlin, and you would find it extremely difficult to see even the most feted attractions in a week (I'd narrow that down to half a dozen museums, a couple of enormous parks, the main street of fancy shops, several palaces and the greatest churches and cathedrals, plus two out of three football stadiums). Having said that, you could spend a fortune doing it - the Prado was a mere €14 entrance, though free on Sundays, the Reina Sofia is €8 or free after 7pm - but actual meals in Madrid can cost as much as you brought with you, so pick wisely. Most people seem to do the tapas option (small, simple yet tasty portions) which works out cheaper unless you eat a lot of it, so that may explain the shortage of chubbers on Madrid's streets. However, even that option works out about the same price as Belfast; this certainly isnt Porto.
Don't think you can cheat the system - Madrid's city centre features few corner shops or supermarkets, so picking up a baguette and a packet of ham simply isn't on the menu. Having said that, Madrid is pretty honest in its pricings - if you are near a posh area or monument, or very touristy part of town, you will find inflated prices unless you go looking for something specifically more local (as we did, and the prices came down fairly dramatically).
A final word on those attempting to test their Spanish language skills - as soon as you speak a few words, you are giving your listener carte blanche to assume you can understand each and every subtle nuance of their Castillano banter. And you won't. Not even a little bit. But you'll feel for the first time that maybe, just maybe, you aren't just an entry-level tourista.
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